Drinking beer properly is a learned art. It’s not mastered overnight. We’ve all been around rookie drinkers: They hoist a few and up goes the volume. These folks quickly come to believe they’re the most handsome, interesting superheroes of our time, but they usually end up puking in the bushes.

I’m a veteran beer drinker, which means I know when to sit down, shut up and switch to water, no matter how good the suds taste. At least, this is what I believe. And that’s why I can offer some advice about preparing for a major beer event.

First, you must pack two things when you travel to a beer event: a beer mug and aspirin. Money is fine, too; I recommend a credit card with a high limit and low balance. One pair of underwear per day is also fine. Underwear is disposable. In fact, all clothing should be treated that way. Throwing it away reduces bulk on the return trip, and that’s space better devoted to hauling back new and exciting beers.

Airlines nowadays only allow two pieces of luggage. Both should be coolers. If you’re traveling with your spouse, you’re in luck: you’ve got four coolers and a mule.

Proper conditioning for a beer event is crucial. There are those who recommend abstinence in the days before. That’s just nonsense. Technically, your liver is a giant muscle-like thing; the more exercise it gets, the stronger it becomes. The objective is to s-t-r-e-t-c-h that muscle.

But don’t just focus on your liver. Other parts of your body may need work, too. Even a rookie knows that drinking on an empty stomach can sideline you in the early innings. Food in your stomach slams your pyloric valve shut, which slows the absorption of alcohol into the bloodstream. Eating during the event is shrewd because it not only slows alcohol absorption, it also moderates consumption; if you’ve got a turkey leg in one mitt and a slice of pizza in the other, chances are your mug is on the table. Big beer events usually offer great food, too. But just in case, avoid eating anything too big to come out your nose.

Note, too, that water is your friend. It may not take you to the movies or help you change a flat, but veteran drinkers know the motto, "Hydrate or Die!" Truth is, you may love alcohol but your body hates it, because it’s a poison. Its molecules must bond with water’s to find the fastest, easiest way out of your system. Dehydration is a leading cause of the classic "Just Go Ahead And Drop A Piano On My Head" hangover. So drink up before, during and after the event. If you’re worried about your image, remember: the folks you see drinking water at a beer event are the pros.

Attending a big beer event should be social, educational and fun, not debauched or embarrassing. To learn to drink like a veteran, you must prepare, prepare, prepare.

And bring a spare liver.

Cheers!
James "Doctor Fermento" Roberts