PLEEEEEEEASE let's get enough posts for the next page.
I've gotten enough looks at Bambi's plumber crack

Edit:YESSSS!

 

"
I really hate being a stickler for little things too, but what the hell is a "humerous?" Is that like some sort of funny bone? Are you sitting on yours?

Why are any of my responses considered a "flame war?" I've received responses from many NAM members that believe in what I have written, like the following: (names and places changed to protect the innocent)


"Dear Krassanova:

You Rock.

Fondly,

Jahn from Las Angoles"

and

"Krassanova:

You have said everything that has been on my mind these past few days since that wretched thread was started. Especially the stuff about the Pope and Gallelleo (sic).

Yours Truly,

Rochard from Omahay"

I've received much more fanmail that I won't share at this time, but sucffice it to say that you are in a minority agranger. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

 

Hey Cupcake, leave my LAMB alone. You want a piece of him, you come through me.

Because you're considered "flaming" by people who know you....

He's right Agranger - hate him because he's a tool.

Hope that helps!

Skip
Team *****-izon
Lover of LAMBs

 

Fine, I'll go through you. It looks like I've successfully killed this thread, as my message has finally sunk in...you all know where you can find the finest parts in the kingdom of MINI. Whether it be the design, function, or fitment of the parts...they make John Cooper look like Alice Cooper.

 

We have just received a top secret shipmetn from the amazing innovators at OnWhoreizon - and unlike many of the other pieces we receive from vendors when asked to be a part of testing (and I have to say again how proud we are at Webb Motorsports to be a part of the Charlie and Delta test team), the slipped right on with no modifications or alterations necessary!

I have never seen this kind of detail straight out of the prototype, and for some of the items I have received from other prominent manufacturers that were supposed to be so freaking awesome and never even made it to the market because of the problems, this unit is a winner out of the box!

Score! You guys are going to love this part, trust me.

Randy

 

Randy,

We are glad that you have found the fit and finish of
our product superior and fantastic. As a member of
our Charlie and Delta R$D team we request that you
now drive those items to a race track, preferably through
a canyon. That will enable us to use truth in advertising
campaign and label those parts as track and canyon tested.

Thank you for your undying support and your efforts in
ensuring continued success of On *****-izon automotive.

Jerry Goaljnky
President in Exile

 

How about I come to your house on Friday and save you the trouble of asking Daddy to borrow the car? Kindly PM me with directions to your parents house. I will be sure to send the rubber underwear out today. That way when you see me, you won't ruin your Toughskins.

The only thing you've ever killed is the libido of every woman in a 50' radius of you.

Well go ahead, you've been teasing the good folks here for two pages with this mystery Vendor. How about naming them? We're dying to know whose dirty work you're here doing..........we're dying to know whose getting the money mommy and daddy give you for cutting the lawn, babysitting your little sister and setting the table every night.

Hope that helps!

Skip
Team *****-izon Automotive

 

Wow! Great tip, thanks man!

 

I am just proud to be able to do the work you don't have the time for - knowing that you are coming up with outrageous and incredibly delicious new products for the MINI! I will happily do the research for you, at my own expense, so that you can use this knowledge to further your product line .

You guys are amazing!

Hope that helps,
Randy

 

It is that kind of dedication that will eventually place
you at the top of our LAMBS. Which should make you
a Head LAMB.

 

I thought it was the other way around - Kim modeled his gulags after the horrors of unreturned phone calls, crappy customer service and baseless product claims. In fact, I thought Kim sponsored a contest for the worst vendor....

Frankly, I think a couple of cases of Glenn Livet hidden amongst a truck load of rice might be appreciated much more than a Twisted Sister CD - afterall, the Scotch helps extend the sense of powerfulness.... When your atom scientists can only manage a fizzle when they promised a bang, it would require at least a case of Glenn Livet to work through the unmet expectations.

 

You forgot the part about washing the dishes and cleaning the toilets....

 

Somehow, I think this thread has a few more posts left in it.

 

I sure hope so!

It's just that the picture of Bambi brought back some distu... I mean ... deja v... um, let's just say memories.

Ignore the bashers and the nay sayers, you guys at *****-izon ROCK!!
Keep those state-of-the-art trick products coming!

Please tell Bambi I said hi.

 

MiniMacPR:

You blind devotion speaks volumes towards
your character. We are sending you a LAMB
t-shirt in the mail - after you send us a check
for the shirt and the shipping.

While Bambi may be a little too Rubenesque
for you, Jerry has a sister named Glenda
who may be more your type. Best
of all she just broke up with her boyfriend!
I spoke to her last night and she wanted us
to send you her picture.



Ooofa!

Making all your dreams come true,

Skip
Dream *****-izon Automotive

 

We don’t listen to nay-sayers! We will endure, offering YOU, the MINI community, the very bestest in high-quality “boost-assist” technology! Don’t listen to the Whoremongers of the world – only Spiffityme-brand products carry the official “Seal of Approval” from the Yakministani defense forces! Don’t be fooled by imitators!

We’re thrilled to announce with baited breath that if you order a “Turbonizer” RIGHT NOW! that we’ll toss in for no additional charge our coveted “LED blingtastic!” accent modification to your order!!



That’s right! We heard you saying “I love the dyno numbers the “Turbonizer” put up, but the MOD was still a bit subtle for my tastes! So, I've decided to draw on my several weeks of LED MODding experience and create this amazing new product!

Order now and get the “LED blingtastic!” MOD today! Can be set to stay on, blink OR pulse with your favorite jammin’ toonz! Can you say “blingtastic!”? Sure you can! This is the product our competetition doesn't want you to know about, make no mistake! Order your Spiffityme stuff TODAY!!

Also, we’re pleased to announce our new line of window cling decals, specifically designed to honor and celebrate our long-running competition with *****-izon. No hard feelings, right, guys? “Binnis iz binnis” as we say down here in “the hood” (usually before sending Crowbar, our chief “security officer” over to someone’s home or office).

New for February!

*****(izon) Windscreen Cling! *



Made from top-quality opaque vinyl, this bold cling announces your presence “with authorataaay!” Perfect for those “Hot Import Nights”! Now even BOLDER and BIGGER than ever before! Put any lingering questions about the size of your manhood to rest TONGHT! Order now! Only $99.99!

* Use of this product may be illegal in all 50 states. Spiffityme Industries cannot be held liable for any fees, fines, incarceration or bodily injury caused by the use of this product. Please check your local laws after ordering and receiving this product.

 

Question on the new CAI. I know from the previous post that you can cook steak on it. My question is can you cook chicken and if so, what would the cooking time be per pound and how large of a chicken will it cook? I thought I might BBQ one for Bambi on the way to MOTD!

 

I am glad you asked this question. It is undoubted that the
On *****-izon's loyal customers are a diverse bunch and some
of them prefer other foods than skirt steak. While we do not
understand, nor condone that sort of life style we will, in the spirit
of promoting our superior line of goods, continue to sell to the
chicken loving crowd. To answer your question, we sent out our
chief CAI food tester, Dr. McNugget:



on a rigorous canyon and track test. He reports that he had
positive seat of the pants results with the poultry at 24.6 mpp
(miles per pound). This applies to your smaller birds (hens, doves,
quails, pigeons). Your bigger birds (chicken, ducks, turkeys, eagles)
require that you proportionally increase the CAI cooking time at 15%
(which is quiet coincidently the favored pulley reduction) per pound
per mile driven.

We wish you luck with your culinary endeavors.

 

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO USERS OF *****-IZON SUPER SPRINGS!

It has come to the attention of our staff that a person intent on smearing our good name is posting pictures of what he claims are failed *****-izon Super Springs. This has created a storm of controversy regarding the quality of our products and questions relating to our R&D program.

This little demon is a rotten, dog-molesting malcontent with a pathological fetish for the color red. He has made repeated claims that our products are junk and has called Jerry some very mean names.

We here at *****-izon are intent of clearing up our good name. Even though this devil has been banned from this Forum, I call him out here and now to dispute the facts.

Here is a picture of the claimed failed Super Springs:



It is important to note that he never called us to report the damage. He has been content to post rumors and innuendo about us on a forum dedicated to the Euro Trash component of Mini society - what a litle pansy of a coward.

Last night, as I ran around naked and screaming on his front lawn distracting him and mentally damaging his young children, Camelpilot broke into his house, drank all his booze and stole the alleged failed parts.

We immediately dropped the springs off at the laboratory of the famed automotive forensic pathologist, Dr. Mandeep Indabut:



The good Doktor has just reported back with his expert analysis:

- Failure occured from the fact that the customer was running in excess of 400 hp on the car. Don't ask us what difference this makes, because neither we nor Dr. Indabut know - but it'll do for an excuse.

- The customer has a gigantic fat head as shown below:



The Mad Doktor claims that the combination of real horsepower (not to be confused with the "fake" horsepower we claim) and his giant freakish cranium led to the failure. If you read your *****-izon Comprehensive Warranty Handbook, it clearly states that having a car with actual "effective" modifications completely voids the warranty. We are also amending it to include the following warranty invalidators:

(1) Men with women's names like Adrian, Pat, Leslie, Jan, etc.

(2) Having a large head.

(3) Driving the car on the street.

We hope this satisfactorily addresses all of your concerns. We beg you to continue buying our products and to support us with your continued mindless enthusiasm.

Hope that helps!

Skip
*****-izon Automotive

 

 

On *****-izon Automotive is proud to announce our latest innovation.
The super lite racing control arms:



Constructed of top quality automotive grade Popsicle sticks.
Bound by office depot quality rubber bands. We have used
a brand new idea in reinforcing the structural integrity of the
units: toilet paper wrapping.
Utilizing the best North Korean butt wiping textiles we relied
on their natural property of not ripping along the perforated
lines. Using the double wind criss cross wrapping technique
utilized by the Fijian basket weaving coconut gatherers. Same
ones that dropped Keith Richards on his head.

You can be sure that this, just like all other products, is of
superior quality and finish. The fit is fantastic and it bolts on as
if it was made specifically for the Mini.

Please visit our web site for the official announcement.

 

Dog! Thats a big head.. Wonder how many miles it would take to cook that..

 

In case you LAMBS out there haven't noticed, every idiot with a Mini product to sell is now offering to do on-site installs at AMVIV. Since the real tuner is all but filled up for the entire weekend, we figured we'd capitilize on all you clueless ***** who can't install parts for yourselves.

Having said that, OnWhore-izon is ecstatic to offer you some great deals on fully installed parts at AMVIV this year. Bill Fang, of Bill's Used Muffler and Upholstery Shop, and his team from the Goaljnky Fanboy Club, will be working the wrenches all day on Friday and Saturday. *****-izon will be offering up installations of all our cutting-edge performance systems:


Add up to 220 horses with the new CSCAI fully installed for only $341.14. Labor is free if you agree to pose for our nude photobook.




Add even more power with our stylish TFMIC! Proven to return thermal efficiencies 1.2% greater than stock - a great compliment to our CAI for an additional $999.00.



Get the only 42% reduction pulley on the market. Installed for only $293.43!



The FolgerTone Exhaust - Good to the last drop! A proven decibel and hp gainer - a steal at $1254.13 installed.

We haven't ever installed any of these components on a Mini, but Bill says he doesn't think it'll be that hard and even though we just got his name out of the phonebook - we believe him!

He's read all of Randy Webb's how-to guides - barring that we will be in the stall next to WMS, so if we screw anything up, ask him real nice and maybe he'll fix it!

Installs will happen in 2 hour blocks, so Bill and the boys have more time then they need to screw up your Mini. Face it, the real guys are booked - we checked - let us hone our skills on your ride.

Times available:

Friday

8-10am

10-12pm

1-3pm

3-5pm


Saturday

8-10am

10-12pm

1-3pm

3-5pm

Since this is the first time we've done any real wrenching, we will not be offering any warranties on any of the parts we install. If it breaks, you fix it - see if you can figure this crap out.......

We will also be holding a nude chickenfight contest at the North Las Vegas Gulp and Blow. The Winning Duo will get 1/2 off all installs on the Sunday 5-7 PM time block. Please note we are leaving Sunday at 4:30 PM........

(Camelpilot feels the excitement on the back of his head as Jerry presses his advantage!)

Last year, Matt and Jerry beat Clo's first and second husbands to take the title. We are anticipating a huge turnout this year so be sure to register on our Website today!

Hope that Helps!

Skip
On *****-izon Automotive

 

New product from On *****-izon Automotive:



This is it... The best constructed, best fitting and hottest
looking front grill for the MCS. It's aggressive and built to
withstand the harshest environments with proper varnish.

The grill is made of fiber board and then coated with an
ultra strong layer Benjamin Moore paint in your choice of colors.

We are so sure about the quality of this product that we now
offer a very limited warranty to match one offered by Home Depot.

You can save on shipping by stripping this grill from your
neighbors fence. You will however, still have to pay us
since this product is patented.

As always please call our shop if you have any questions.

 

Has Billy Joel installed his yet?