It has come to my attention that the LAMBS have been negligent in
the performance of their duties. I am instructing you to go forth and
exult the superiority of our products in all unrelated threads. As an example,
please refer to post #6 in the following thread:

https://www.northamericanmotoring.co...ad.php?t=92281

It is a perfect example of dedication and warship that we expect of our LAMBS.

 

Yes Nephews and Nieces......

The On *****-izon Suspension is finally on the slow boat
and on it's way to the On *****-izon Regional Head Quarters.
We have probably sold through some of the initial order.

The items will be here soon. We are being assured of that by
the captain of the vessel. At least that's what we think he said,
since we do not speak his language. Feel free to write me any
time for details on this orgasmic system.

The Special Pricing in combination with the mounting hardware
will be good till the end of the month.

Price On *****-izon suspension: $1099.99

Price with mounting hardware: $1499.99 (price if we can't sell them: $2218.65)



As you can see they come in different applications.
From street to hard core track use.

 

Glad to see an update to this thread.

The hard core application looks great -- I've often wondered why someone didn't develop one spring to take care of both the front AND the rear axles at the same time.

 

The answer is simple. Because others just lack the vision and
the technological know-how of the tooners from On *****-izon.
I am glad you like our new products. They are fantastic. We are
working on some top secret projects that will simply blow you away,
so stand by.

*Get it? Blow you away!*

 

I don't get it. Apparently I need to buy more of your innovative product. Check your PMs for my credit card number. Send me any and all product necessary for me to 'get it'.

 

Thank you for your info and your purchase. Only as a
part of our "system" approach can you get in on the
"get it" factor. Your products and the second mortgage
application are on their way. Please sign on the dotted
line and return to us promptly.

 

Only from the minds of On *****-izon comes another innovative new product . . . and it is available now.

On *****-izon has taken the heat shield approach to a new level
with the Total Car Heat Shield System. We have used the idea that
has been utilized since at least the Roman times.

The goal was to cut down on the ever destructive heat soak in all
of the car, without adding complex, hard to install parts that will
eventually break down or fail in some way.

We decided to bite the bullet, spank the monkey and ride the elephant..
and we invested in some serious data logging equipment from the local
office supply store and a Imaging Camera that will give us and you the
customer visual feedback of just how it looks.

The testing showed some amazing results. The data logging revealed
an amazing result in regular driving with some very small deviations in
speed and the number of stop lights we had to blow through. The run
was executed with mixed driving on the freeway utilizing the lane
changing blinker assist at high rpm to generate as much heat as
possible and stop and go traffic on surface streets while looking for
hookers.

The coolant reservoir, the steering pump reservoir and the 40 oz
Schlitz that we left under the hood stayed much cooler, along with the
peripheral areas in the engine bay (including the skirt stake left over
from our intake testing). Bottom line, the entire engine compartment
remains much cooler during a driving cycle and is able to fit most of
your staple foods.

Super easy do it your self install.....

The On *****-izon blanket fits on top of the existing vehicle (above
all the other parts) while leaving the windshield completely usable.
Tested by our development teams at your local Wild West Show and
available from most of your feed and tack stores, each and every
blanket is manufactured of high quality second hand store denim and
loaded up with KY Gel for your pleasure.

Price: $126.68 includes fasteners and buckles.



Goaljnky
President in Exhile

 

I'm astounded by your innovation. This is truly like no other product on the market! Unfortunately, since that sub-prime second I took out for the last batch of products, I'm on a tight budget. Is it possible to obtain the TCHSS without the KY Gel, assuming I can just spit on the car for proper lubrication?
I anxiously await your reply.

 

It is clear from the large butt-bulge on the picture that this is an R56 pictured.
Is the product also available for R52s and R53s?

 

Eric, as on of our most loyalest customers we appreciate your continued
support. However, after a long and extensive marketing research we
have found that KY is necessary not only for proper fitment, but also
to enable us to sell the product.

The rear bulge is in fact a soon to be released On *****-izon wing.
We are currently waiting on our supplier to properly re-badge the
product to at least make it appear as something new. Once released,
rest assured that all the LAMBS will sit around and start love-in threads
to sing the praises of our products.

The wing will also fit the R56 models, but will carry a surcharge to do so.

 

what kind of beer is being used to make these high quality products? is there an opening for the beer can preparation position? i know that beer has to go somewhere.....

 

On Whor-izon's Iraqi test facility is pleased to finally be able to share with you our newest line of wheels! These wheels are made with a high tech spun polyethylmere casting technique which results in a wheel that's lighter and stronger than our competitors so called "Unobtanium" wheels. Here you cans see the wheels being tested on our camoflauged test mule.


Furthermore this wheel sheds brake dust like cancer when sprayed with our patented Hydrogen Dioxide wheel cleaner. The wheels above had just undergone a canyon carving test session and had just been sprayed with our Hydrogen Dioxide. The results are pretty clear (pun intended) not a spec of brake dust on the wheels. Hydrogen Dioxide is also safe to use on painted surfaces of the car.

Pricing for the wheels has not yet been determined but sizes from 13X4 to 23X12" sizes will be available in most popular offsets.
Pricing for the Hydrogen Dioxide wheel cleaner will be $25 for a one litre bottle. One litre is good to treat one wheel four times so you'll want to buy four litres in order to get a full four washings of all your wheels. Dehydrated Hydrogen Dioxide is also in the works and should be available later this year for about $30 a bottle.

 

This is it. We, at On *****-izon Automotive are proud to bring
you the final word in supercharger cooling from the innovative
minds that have brought you the Total Car Heat Shield System.

Using high tech computer industry as our inspiration and sourcing
the best Taiwanese parts available through our suppliers at the
PC Warehouse this new product is simply unbelievable. As in: "you
will not believe you have been driving with out it". We have tested
this amazing new inter cooler concept in our driveway on a warm
spring afternoon and the deltas were simply unheard of. We will
not provide any actual numbers in order to spare the inevitable
embarrassment for our competitors. Just one look at our product
should be enough for even a layman to see that it is far superior than
any static inter cooler system currently being offered.

We will be accepting deposits on this amazing system shortly.
Don't miss out. You can be the first one in your club to own one.

Constructed of the best material, the fit and finish is fantastic.
You will absolutely love how it looks and the performance will
make you leave a moist spot in your sport seat.

And finally, for the actual install picture:

 

Are you now going to offer an upgraded alternator to power those fans? Or, better yet, a roof-mounted solar power array? That way (with the solar array), you would be doing your part for renewable energy....

 

On *****-izon Automotive are great believers in Pave The Earth,
make it safe for cars philosophy.

We do recommend that you install our over sized crank pulley in
order to generate needed additional electrical power:



One thing we left out of our original announcement for the
Fan Driven Inter Cooler (henceforth to be known as the FDIC).
The fans are completely reversible allowing you to go from blow
to suck and back again in a very short period.

 

Would reversing the flow of the intercoolers help with downforce?

 

In the suck mode, the fans will result in a slight lifting of the front end.
Ideal for certain driving conditions. In the blow mode a reverse effect
is felt, which is obviously beneficial for other driving conditions.
It is most noticeable when used in conjunction with our single position
adjustable wing.

 

In the great tradition of consumer beta-testing, the On-*****-rizon Total Car Heat Shield System has just recently been modified to serve yet another function that its originators have barely dreamed out, even in whatever drug-indiced stupors they have resorted to, being the always-brain-churning geniuses they are.

Inspired by Harrier jet technology, the engineers here at the east coast based EVZ Productionz have installed two of these wonderful units into my MINI Cooper, and created a car with the ability to do this:



Gone are the days of waiting in traffic jams. Gone are the days of someone pulling into that one last parking space while you were blocked by the car occupying that spot while pulling out. Now you can literally just drop right in!

Of course, forward and rearward propulsion is still an unresolved issue, but we here at EVZ Productionz feel confident that two more of these units, mounted to the front and rear of the car, will solve this prob . . . er, challenge. Then after pitch and yaw stability is tackled, we feel that this amazing product will open the way for the transportation revolution of the future.

The Jetsons never had it so good! Onward!

Zip

 

Ever thought of adding fans to both sides of the car? The fans could be controlled by a joystick with a button in the top - press the button and pull back on the joystick - the car raises. Press the button and push forward on the joystick - the car lowers. The rest of the functions (forward and reverse as well as left and right turns) can be handled by the joystick alone.

There will need to be some sort of safety override to avoid hitting power lines....

 

There seems to be a small contingent of dissatisfied ex-customers out there
who are hell bend on soiling our spotless reputation. They are under impression
that we are after 100% perfection and insist that we warn people of issues
that we have been aware of for years. To those of you we say: "Phewy!"
The fact that we can't keep stock of our limited productions should speak for
itself, you ingrates.

After all, it's not like any of our parts are exploding. With a little sawing,
RTVing, wetting, shimming and fiddling all our parts eventually fit. And those
who have done so, absolutely love them.

Respectfully,
On *****-izon Management

 

Thanks, goaljnky!
This evening I tried RTVing, wetting, shimming and fiddling with my parts, and by the time I was done, I really didn't care if your parts fit or not. THAT is what I call quality customer service!

 

Or better yet, have someone do it for you!

Zip

 

No worries. Most of the time you will have to.

 

Hey guys, I recieved the Adiabatic CAI a few days ago and just trying to install it, however I am a bit stuck. Is the install guide supposed to switch from English to French on page 2? and, are all the install diagrams drawn with a sharpie on Hustler pin-ups? Its really distracting and its making the process take a lot longer for my uncle to install all this, he keeps saying he "needs more light" and disappears around the garage for 15 minutes or so.

Good so far, delivery was only a few days late, and Trixie was able to field all of our questions, especially details on the diagrams. Thanks and keep up the good work.

 

Mini Tyler,

The French on page 2 is for our customers north of the Mason-Dixon line. Or did you not know that On *****-izon is indeed and internationally known and admired company?

To all our LAMBS. We will soon be having our First Bi-Annual Memorial Contest. Please check back soon.