We cannot be responsible for your uncle's mechanical ineptness or general stupidity.

As for the language switch, we sell an On-Whoreizon french instruction translator for a mere $197.89. It comes with a luscious gel coated cover and really enhances the decor of any room.

We also will send you the entire instruction set in English for a steal at $25 per page.

For $1.98 we will send Camelpilot to your house to impregnate your dog, hump your wife's leg and sing the instructions to you to the tune of "It's Raining Men".

Hope that helps!

Skip

 

Dear Eric:

On-Whoreizon cannot be held responsible for the factory variations in manufacturing tolerances on the R53 and R56 Mini Coopers. That's what you get from buying a car made in a country where they boil meat and don't fluoridate their water..........

I mean, for the love of all that is Holy, have you not noticed that these cars spontaneously catch fire if you look at them wrong?

Additionally, you forget that our whole research and development team consists of three men who scour the Orient for products that we can slap our name on. Whether these products were ever intended for use on a Mini (or a car for that matter) is not our concern.

As always, we are here to answer your questions and acknowledge your praise.

Hope that helps,

Skip

 

Dear Zippy:

You will be hearing from our lawyers shortly.

You have admitted in your post that you have used our product to levitate your car. You appear to be rebranding our product for this unintended purpose.

This is extremely upsetting to both On-Whorizon and the company who's part we rebranded - the Qiang Xi Zhua Automobile Manufacturing and Organ Harvesting Center of the People's Republic of China.

We will give you 24 hours to surrender all units to our legal team. After that, we will send Camelpilot to your house to urinate on your tires, parade around in your wife's underwear and mess up your newly made beds.

Please do not let our threats turn you off from purchasing our wonderful products. Admit your guilt and all will be forgiven.

Hope that helps!

Skip

 

Admit my guilt? Yes, I used the aforementioned product in the way that I said I did use the aformentioned product.

But in the spirit of innovation, and new stuff, and the future, and innovation and new stuff for the future, EVZ Productionz feels not one iota of guilt or remorse in that we have, in the spiriit of going forth into as yet unexplored territory in the field of non-vertically challenged automobiles, contributed a significant contribution to the field of levitatable cars that do not require roads, or common sense, to drive.

And again, in the realm of beta-testing tradition, we plan to do yet more exciting experimentation in this vein, except with R56 MINIs because after all, they are newer and will be in unchecked supply in the next few years to come, and, after all, they are not as cool as the recently obsoleted R50 and 53s, and if we crash a few dozen of them in our experiments, no big schwinky, rightyo?!

As for camelpious coming to my house and messing up my beds, I do a fine job of that all by myself (well, actually, not all by myself), so the camelman would get here and be severely disappionted to find the beds already quite messed up. And it is quite possible that seeing him in my wife's underwear would not be as bad as you make it out to be, if that spread in Instinct Magazine last year was any indication. And urinating on my tires? HA! I'm a New Yorker! You're gonna have ta do better than that!

Zip

 

Thanks for the warning. Camelpilot has now been instructed to urinate on your bed and mess up your tires.

The fact that you are looking forward to his lingerie show is something that your future customers should carefully note.

While Jerry is still naive and trusting, I am not. Our crack legal team has been dispatched to destroy you with a combination writ of anus, corpus irrefudium, and pax vobiscus ad naseum.

Additionally, you will be smacked with a res ipso flatulens and a meatus obscurus. If that doesn't change your attempts to rebrand our rebranding, our legal team has been given full permission to defile you with a circumcision en banc, a full frontal encumbrance and my personal favorite - the devastating but effective fiduciary felchment.

Good day, Sir.

Skip

 

At this point I feel the need to correct my esteemed colleague. I believe he did not mean to type and I quote "our crack legal team", but instead was intending to refer to "our legal team on crack".

 

Whew! Thanks for the clarification, goaljnky, I was starting to worry.

Note: I used to think you like hockey. Now I understand that it is just your goal to be a junky. Don't bogart that...

 

I think the first one is more accurate, considering you guys' ladies' lingerie preferences!

Zip

 

Well, you guys can just fiduche away, then! But I suppose that would be after you and goal work on the felching in whichever direction(s) you both prefer (hey, you brought it up).

As for us techno-heads here at the (now barricaded) EVZ Productionz, we will soldier on in our newfound dream of flying personal transport. And if it all works, royalties will be dispersed (definition of royalty still to be determined. We'll probably just present you with Prince Charles). If it doesn't work, sometrimes ya just gotta say WTF!

Zip

 

Is that anything like a Prince Albert? Cause Skip already has one of those.

 

In the aforementioned expressed interest in non-vertically-challenged personal transort, EVZ Productionz has been doggedly pursuing the goal (no, not that goal) of producing an easy to operate flying MINI.

We have had limited success up to this point due, for the most part, to the degree of difficulty in keeping all the little fan things we sto . . . er, borrowed . . . borrowed? Heck, we purchased them! from On *****-izon Industries, or Labs, or whatever it is that they call themselves this week, all operating in a harmonious manner, keeping the car aloft and moving in a semblance of the desired direction.

In order to keep tabs on the fine balancing act that is a multi-mini-fan system, that is, by the way, not being used for its original intended purpose (which I forgot what that was), we have had to install a variety of checks, balances, and fail-safes to keep the car and the driver safe and sound, and not plummeting to earth resulting in a crash-&-burn, and huge smokey fireball.

Because of the now multitudinous back up systems, the interior of the MINI has become, shall we say, a bit unwieldy, and the car is pretty much human being-inoperable.



As a result of this, we now have to rip it all out and begin again. This should placate the powers that be at On *****-izon, having threatened legal, as well as 'extra' legal actions against us for stea . . . er, borrowi . . . heck, purchasing their stol . . . um, borr . . . heck, purchased product from some backwater far eastern mudslide.

We will post updates as they become available.

Zip

 

Please visit this thread for an exciting On *****-izon sponsored contest. The prize alone is enough of a reason to participate.

 

FTR, I have no idea about what this thread is, but... Zip - that photo is fuchin' hilarious. It was an instant hit here at the office. Coworkers espically appreciated the CRT and the CCTV-looking camera.

Keep up the great work! There's some space between the front seats!

(Just curious, is there a larger, higher-quality image of that.. thing.. around somewhere?)

 

Dear Foxtrot_Xray:

To summarize this thread, we are the leading manufacturer of performance Min Cooper components on the planet - maybe the universe.

We are widely adored and idolized on this forum because most people who buy our products are too stupid to realize that we sell untested rebranded knock offs from Communist China.

All performance claims stated on our website and this thread are made up while we are drunk or randomly pulled out of our a$$e$.

People often ask what our qualifications are - Jerry is a Flenser, Camelpilot is Muzak Composer, Eric Von Zipper is a fluffer for a livestock breeding facility and I am a Bris photographer. While these occupations may have nothing to do with automotive testing and design, most of our customers are too ignorant to know the difference.

We would like to send you a free catalog for the discounted price of $129.95. We also offer a denim gel-coated cover for the catalog for an additional $99.89. This cover is perfect for avoiding urine overspray if the catalog is placed next to a toilet for reading.

So, please send us you address and credit card number without delay.

Hope that helps!

Skip

 

Do you have an electronic version of your catalog (and any products?) available?

 

During the semi-annual quarterly meeting of the On-Whoreizon executive committee at the local Bowl and Slurp we as a company decided that no parts will be manufactured for the notorious R56 version of Mini. Due to it's plain ugliness, adding anything else to the car would in our opinion be like putting a dress on a pig.

Of course, should we see the call and an opportunity to increase our profits we will not hesitate to reverse our position by holding another meeting at the aforementioned ball tossing establishment. Our research department has assured us that they would be up to the task of improving the non-functionality of the R56 scoop. They also promised that the fit and finish would be fantastic and only the best materials would be used.

On behalf of myself, Skip and the ever-so-offending Cameljockey, ahem.. pilot, we would like to thank you for your continued support.

 

I think you are making an oversized mistake by not jumpin on the bandwagon like every other self-disrespecting vendor with absolutely no class has done. It doesn't matter if you know that the R56 has more in common with a Prius or an Accord than it does with the MINI or Mini of old, the important thing is that you continue to live up to the On-Whoreizon name by selling your soul for a souless machine.

Your previous parts have been as useful as man-nipples, and the engineering prowess as sharp as a marble. Why contain it for the R50/53 world alone? Once might assume you are what is commonly referred to in Motardspeak as a "hater." Spit out your haterade, and get to work. May I suggest a modification to the famous R56 speedo? The only person unable to see it may be the blind guy strapped to the roof, but why not add audio and braille capabilities? Really, the R56 tree is ripe for the picking...not as ripe as a pair of Goaljnky BVDs after a brake party, but what is, really?

Please put your Camelpilot to work on something other than the lock on the cage he lives in, and do something productive for Pete's sake!

 

we find them useful to hang our clampswould that be the Home Depot quality kitchen marble, or the spray on Pep Boys kind marble?No you may not. Out suggestion box is currently full with request for Camelpilot. He is big on the speaking circuit. Same pair of BVDs at the following brake party six month later. The key is not to wash them and to keep them in a sealed zip lock bag.

Calling what Camelpilot does "work" is extremely generous at best. But we do get a nice subsidy for him from both the Feds and California governments.

P.S. Who is Pete and why do you think we owe him to be productive?

 

Mind your own business, clown. Like we're going to take marketing advice from a drunk.

Jerry sold his soul to Satan. Cameltoe sold his for some magic beans. I'm holding on to mine since it's a business write-off.

Wow, this coming from a guy who flunked out of the Barbizon School...

Because I said so. That and the R56 is so perfect both mechanically and aesthetically that screwing with it would be obscene.

"One" is an idiot. Stop making fun of the handicapped you jerk. I don't tolerate that on my thread.

No.

Camelpilot is currently involved in very important research involving his navel and his index finger. If you can think of anything more productive than that for a man with a double digit IQ - fire away.

 

There is no need to bring Barbizon into the mix, but since you started it, I feel I must Paul Harvey your *** by telling the "rest of the story" for everyone else to see.

Yes, I got kicked out of Barbizon, but not before dealing with a young Skiploder who was a regular to "Free Haircut Wednesdays." It was my first live haircut, when I first met Skip. He sat in my chair wearing an old 49ers beanie that he used to cover his early 80's child-actor style bowl haircut. He demanded that I cut his hair with a spoon, just like his momma did. When I refused, he told everyone that I was the person that was responsible for making him look like the little kid from Eight is Enough. All the other Barbizon students laughed me out of the building, and I couldn't go back.

Since then, I've taken several classes to become a Dental Hygenist, and it was there that I learned that one part R56, plus two parts novicaine equaled the perfect market to make a million bucks. I'm still learning how to suck plaque spit into a little vaccuum, but that doesn't mean I don;t know how to make some serious cash. I tried to share my money making revelation with the On Whoreizon bunch, but it is obvious that they wouldn't know a great business opportunity if it bit them in the saggy sack,

I've had hours of conversations with CamelPilot on PM. Here's an excerpt:

krassanova: I have an idea that will make you millions of dollars.
camelpilot: LOL
krassanova: Anyway, I think that the R56 will be a great market for you guys to explore.
krassanova: It's so fugly that all you have to do is put R53 parts on it.
krassanova: are you there??
camelpilot: i eat'um co-co-nut
krassanova: Just swap out parts...like the ridiculous front grille, the xxlarge pizza pan sized speedo, the huge rear end
camelpilot: i eat'um poi
krassanova: anyway, it's a foolproof idea
camelpilot: ghjviysehj frhkjkjbyrvfhjsxhgfdtuifruiwghkjf rghj hjfrhg hjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

It's obvious that camelpilot was excited about this news, and the fact that you just discount his input, spells out the eventual failure that your company will experience. I might also add, that camelpilot's grammatical skills greatly outshine those of your CEO goaljnky.

I've done my part to help you guys gain marketshare in this business, and if you decide to ignore my advice, then do so at your own detriment. In the meantime, I will invite the entire On Whoreizon staff to free root canal Mondays here at Bryman College in Van Nuys.

 

Well, you know what at they say: 'Too many cooks . . . '

Zip

 

Hmm. It appears our little aborigine has doubled his vocabulary since the last time he and I spoke. Next time you climb that palm tree he lives in, give him my congrats.

As to your Barbizon story - we can rehash the details, but the fact is that I graduated and you got tossed. Scoreboard Diploma!

What you don't get Sunny Jim, is that the R56 is so perfect, so sublime and so scrumptious, it could only be defiled by any attempts to make it better.

Why don't you tell the readers what you've come up with - your grand ideas? Making it look like an ugly and girly R53? You monkey - we all know that the R53 was a gay woman's clown car.

Lay it on the line, my little Arapahoe, let the folks see how you'd improve on perfection.........

 

Interesting that you've got an R56 next to a refrigerator. Sort of a commentary on the appliance-like evolution of the car.

Zip

 

The R56 is girlie and appliance-like. It took you guys long enough to figure out the appeal

 

Fie on you Zip - not another negative word about the R56 or I will sic a mod on you.

The picture in my sig is nothing more than an artistic suggestion that states only that the R56 is so perfect, so sublime, so next to the Creator that everything - even a refrigerator - should aspire to copy it.

If you don't cease hinting that the R56 is anything but perfect, I will sick my friends Lava and Ken Cooper on you. They have a brutally effective R56 Re-education Program - they kidnap you at night and ala Clockwork Orange, inundate you with pictures of the R50/R53 being the root of all evil in the world.

Just when you think you've hit your breaking point, they switch the program to show the R56 as the root of all that's good and holy in the world.

The result: you will mindlessly begin to sing the praises of the R56 whether it's relevant or not. You will become our mindless zombie and we will then use you to root out others who do not share our vision.

Hope that helps!

Skip