Okay faithful minions - attack Trackster! This looks like a dig at us!

 

Flame on!!!! The thread needs to get a higher page count!

Or, you try what I saw done on another forum:
E
n
t
e
r

y
o
u
r

r
e
p
l
i
e
s

v
e
r
t
i
c
a
l
l
y
.
.
.
.

 

I have recently aquired the On-Horizon Steel Front Splitter, I must say, the directions were fantastic, I'm so glad I took Esperanto in college. Also it took exactly 620 minutes to install, that's amazing.

The only issue I have is now people keep waving me into their driveway, then they give me $10 and tell me to leave. What's with that!

And the high speed handling and stability are unmatched by any other mod I've seen. This front splitter is very effective, and well worth every penny.

 

So you've never been canyon carving in Snowdonia?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snowdonia

 

Wow, that looks like exactly what I'll need to get through NYC traffic every day. It looks like I will love it.

Perhaps you should offer it as a kit with a more efficient rear wing (like the plywood example on that ricer earlier in the thread) to counteract the weight of this monstros . . . er, artfully derived appliance hanging off the front of the car.

Zip

 

We are gratified to hear from another
satisfied customer. I can only assume that
people are paying you to take a closer look
at our scrumptious products! Who can blame them?

Save up those $10.00 bills as we have more
climax-inducing tasty bits in the R&D pipeline!

Skip
On-Horizon Automotive

 

Dear Erik:

All of the postive feedback from you
makes me happy in the pants.

However, I cannot help but notice that your
last check did not clear. Please call Jerry and
have this cleared immediately or our rabid fan-boys
will chase you from this forum.

BTW: Your suggestion of combining the kits is one
that we already thought of. In honor of Black History
Month, we will be offering the wing and splitter as a package.

If ordered separately, these items would cost $1599.00. For the entire month of February,
mention this deal to our helpful operators and receive both
mouth-watering items for a mere $1598.00.

Hope that helps!

Skip
On-Horizon Automotive

 

I know we are just barely into the second month of the year but I don't feel at all premature in nominating this thread for the NAM 2007 Thread of the Year. Actually, I've also nominated this for Thread of the Year on Supraforums.com, Nopistons.com, DSMtuners.com, birdwatchersfourms.com, and equestarianforums.de

Congratulations.

 

 

I'll take your thumbs-up as an affirmative vote and using a highly involved lack of the scientific method declair a unanimous consensus, hereby making this the NAM07TotY. Also, using the same procedure I declare goaljnky president of the United States of America.

 

Deviant, my old naked wrestling buddy, thanks again for your blind adoration.

Once Jerry and Camelpilot post bail,they will also be filled to the brim
with amazement on how far our fans will go to promote our products.

On that note, I have some exciting news. Jerry and I will be travelling to North Korea to visit with our "partner" there and view
their production facilities.

While our competitors tout their Taiwanese knock-offs, we feel that our North Korean re-branding partners are far superior.
Some questions to ask yourselves before buying:

(1) Has Taiwan developed nuclear weaponry?
No, but North Korea has!

(2) Is Taiwan the last bastion of Stalinism?
No, North Korea is!

(3) Did Taiwan defeat the Capitalist U.S.
hegemonists in the Fatherland Liberation War?
No, Taiwan is a colony of losers who couldn't win a war against the Communist Chinese!

The choice is obvious - rebranding through North Korea offers clear benefits!

...........and from today's PM Mail Bag:

Luigi from Arcata writes: Dear Skippy: I'm glad you think it's funny picking on well-intentioned NAM sponsors who actually offer customer service. Your blatant lampooning of their "perceived" lack of development is unsubtle. I guess that means it's okay for a Vendor (actual Vendor name withheld) not to answer phones because hes (sic) out there developing.

I have asked the mods repeatedly to ban you from this Forum. Since they don't have the guts to do so, I hope you get hit by a bus.

Luigi, thanks for taking the time to write. After looking up some of the big words you used I confess to being a bit hurt.

We don't test any of our products because testing takes time and money, which we frankly have better uses for - that and we have no idea how to work on cars or even how they work. I must confess that we don't even own any real tools.

Also if we tested ALL of our products, we wouldn't be able to answer your calls and deal with your stupid questions, most of which could be answered if you ever visited our freaking website. Then you'd start thread after thread about how we never answer our phones and other Vendor's would laugh at us and steal our business.

No, my friend, you test the product. We'll stick to answering phones and looking for third world countries who have no copyright laws.

Hope that helps!

Skip
On-Horizon Automotive

 

You know you want one!

This ‘belt and suspenders’ security special will leave you sleeping better immediately. Be assured that, if you are the first person to ever have a steel bolt break on your supercharger pulley, there are 11 more to keep it together. The additional holes in the pulley actually make it stronger, and 12 bolts provide you with a perfectly balanced and symmetrical pulley. That’s not all! Craven Speed has also had the insight to make a 15% reduction of a 15% reduction…that makes this pulley 225% smaller than stock (because 15 x 15 = 225).

You will not find an offer like this on any website! This amazing pulley can only be purchased by calling 1-900-GUL-IBLE. Some places may charge you as much as $100 per bolt, but call us right now and we’ll throw in the 12th bolt for FREE! That’s right! This amazing offer is available to ship to you today for 11 easy payments of $99.99. You will NEVER see a deal like this EVER again!

But Wait! There’s More! If you call in the next 15 minutes you will receive a second super secure 12 bolt MINI MEGA Machine pulley for ½ price! Why have just one super-duper-charger pulley, when everyone knows, 2 is better then one!

Don’t wait around for a better offer! Act now and watch your savings roll away![/FONT]

 

Kellen,

I believe it is in extremely poor taste for you to
post in another vendors thread (mine) and advertise your
wears (not mine). You will shortly be hearing from our VP of
Communications, aka muzzle-less buttboy, Camelpilot.

Beyond that, we have proven beyond the reasonable
doubt with absolute scientific certainty that the best
pulleys out there are the bolt-less variety and are mounted
using our patented JinkyJuice ******* Grip Adhesive.

Since you had nothing new to offer we will forever
be mocking your posts as we dance naked around
our sacrificial barn fires.

Jerry Goaljnky
President in Exile
On Horizon Automotive

 

Dear Happy Pants,

There seeme to be some miscommunication or misunderstanding or misconception or delusion or error or false impression or misconception or mistake or mix-up or both concerning an alleged payment for a product that I had not ordered, received, or used. I had merely stated how desirable such a product would be to someone such as myself who needs to literally 'plow' through NYC traffic every day. Now, if you have said product ready for production, or at least one pre-production unit that you can ship to my home or place of business, or all three, then we can talk escrow accounts and bank transfers, et al, through a Nigerian agent who specializes in just such things.

Zip

 

On Horizon Automotive Announcement:

It has come to our attention that dyno tuning and
track testing is the norm in the automotive industry and
are the two methods that other car manufacturers and
after market companies tend to rely upon the most.

This is not the case with your more sophisticated Mini
owners, who demand the higher precision and the scientific
results of limited mileage canyon carving and subjective
results of the butt dyno.

It is with great pleasure that On Horizon Automotive is
proud to bring to the field of automotive innovation and
tuning the first of its kind Canyon Carving Facility and the
Butt-Dynometer:

Diagram of the facility:



Test driver preparing for precision seat-of-the-pants measurements:



Actual test in progress:



This dedication to our customers satisfaction in meeting
their never ending quest for subjective opinions should
server notice to all other vendors. Only On Horizon Automotive
takes our customers seriously enough to invest our hard earned
profits in proving the superiority of our superior products and
marketing. We also extend the offer to all our detractors to
come out and experience our fantastic Butt-Dynometer in their
owns cars. The experience will be fantastic and the memories
delicious.

 

You are right there is no need for me to get up on my home shopping network soapbox, so I had my esteemed attorney write up a little something to try and mend the situation. I also wanted to extend my condolences to all beta testers whose jobs were lost to the Charlie scabs.

Jerry Goaljnky
President in Exile
On Horizon Automotive

Dear Sir,

This notification is to propose the sale of the intellectual rights concerning North Korean Patent #07734 "Super-Duper-Charger Pulley". The inventor of the 12 bolt masterpiece, Tristan Morse of Craven Speed, proposes the sale in the value of 20 hundred US Pennies. Craven Speed reserves the right to hire all beta testers rejected in favor of Charlie and Delta testers. All patents, pending and granted, will become the property of On Horizon at the exact moment of your agreement to these terms.

Signed,
Ricky Bobby
(The Lawer not the Driver)

 

Update from North Korea!

While Jerry and I continue to service our customers from our laptops, we are actually concluding our first trip to North Korea to meet with the co-developers of many of our products.

As we disembarked from our plane in Pyongyang, we were greeted by Admiral Ho and General Mo.



Admiral Ho is actually 68 and General Mo is 74. It's amazing how our comrades from Korea age so well......

We later travelled to the countryside to watch the production of our popular Back-Pressure Accumulation System...........



As you can see here, these are the freshest back pressure systems currently engineered for the Mini Cooper market and will fit without any paring or cutting to fit in the tailpipe of your Mini cooper S. Note how happy Ms. Pin Po Pu is to be working for the greater glory of the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea and On-Horizon!

Shortly after, we were driven in a Trabant to visit the factory where our some of our most trend-setting products are manufactured.



On the left you can see an unfinished hand formed disk that will become another 42% Crank Pulley. On the left you see a partially finished RSBS. All of the workers wear masks so that they do not contaminate our products with North Korean cooties.

The real highlight of our day was when we got to meet with Kim Jong Il!



Jerry wondered aloud at how much tail he's gotten over the years on that cool divan of his - as you can see Mr. Kim did not find the question amusing.

Later, Kim admitted to us that he was a big Motley Crue fan and asked if we would send him some CDs.



Luckily, we had some on us. But Jerry, being the high roller he is, suggested trading them for decreased export tariffs. Mr. Kim suggested settling the impasse with a game of strip poker.....



As you can see, Jerry won.

On the outskirts of town as we headed to our departing flight, we saw this newly erected billboard:



Loosely translated it says: "American Capitalist Pigs! Buy On-Horizon parts for your Mini Cooper or We Will Smash the White House with Our Fists!"

We are glad to be back in the States and have many new trick items to share with you over the upcoming months.

Skip
Team On-Horizon

 

Understood - you want a second splitter.

Please read the note attached to the brick I threw through your window today........you get nothing until you pay for the first one.

Hope That Helps!

Skip
Team On-Horizon

 

Ignore him. His first name is "Loren" and "he" plays Ultimate Frisbee in Humbolt County.....

In other words, he's a hippie with a girls name. At On-Horizon we laugh at both hippies and girls. He's considered "light work". Cameltoe's talents would be wasted on him.

Send Deviant to his house with a flaming bag of dog crap and be done with it.

Skip

 

Butt-Dynometer Announcment:

It has come to our attention at On Whoreizon Automotive
that there are several numbers that can be measured
on a dyno: horse power, torque, A/F, etc...

Up to this point there was no sensible way to express the
butt-dynometer numbers except with adjectives like 'wow",
"fantastic", "unbelievable" and "noticeable difference".

We, at Whoreizon Automotive being the innovators of new thechnologies,
aim to correct this oversight.

With help from our talented staff of Trixie and Bambie, we bring
you the official, butt-dynometer specific, patented and only available
for accurate measurement at our head quarters: "The Pucker Factor"

Please stand by for details in our future announcements from
our VP of Operations, the esteemed Skiploader who will be
explaining in great detail the "Pucker Factor"

 

Explanation of the Pucker Factor by Skip Loder DVM, MBA, MD, PHD.

The pucker factor is a scale by which we at *****-izon can assign a numerical value, from one to ten, to an occurance or encounter that frightens, terrifies or excites.

This describes the level of reaction of the sphincter during times of startlement. Please note the following diagram of a sphincter showing the areas of measurement used in establishing pucker factor criteria:



NOTE:A Pucker Factor of 10 can only be truly achieved upon death, dismemberment or extreme speed. Measurement between the two noted points at "Factor 10" is less than 1 millimeter.

We at *****-izon Automotive have tested various Mini Cooper S upgrades and are in the process of assigning them a rating of 1 to 10 on the Pucker Factor Scale.


Training of *****-izon Staff:

As many of you may have noticed there has been a wide variance in the "numbers" quoted by various dynos. One Vendor claims 216 whp for a set of mods while another Vendor, with the same exact components, can't crack 200 - why?

Well, frankly, none of those idiots have been properly trained. At *****-izon, our staff undergoes a rigorous training acumen on measuring and quantifying the pucker factor using our proprietary line of testing equipment.


(actual pucker factor simulator at *****-izon Labs)


(Camelpilot investigates his own pucker factor after using the latest *****-izon products - warning - do not attempt at home!)


(The *****-izon Pucker ProctoCaliper - gives real time pucker info when inserted in the driver's seat).


(Device used to reset the Sphincter to "1" after test. Without this tool, we sometimes had to wait up to an hour to begin a second pucker test.)

Our Commitment to You:

The entire *****-izon staff is frankly sick of overused terms like "useable torque", "power under the curve", "pressure drop", "intake charge" and "correction factor". None of these mean jack ***** and are used to confuse you the consumer into thinking something is actually working when it's not.

Face it you morons, other Vendors don't post numbers because their products don't perform. Ours perform, and we can prove it on the most sensitive measuring criteria known to man - the contraction of the sphincter.

Our patented "Pucker Factor" quantifying system eliminates all this bull crap and gives you a real method for measuring the impact of ANY modification.


(Trixie, our first graduate, poses outside the Tomb of the unknown Proctologist after receiving her diploma).

As always, feel free to PM me or any of the other *****-izon staff members if you have any questions. Look to future updates wherein we release our numbers.

Hope that helps!

Skip
Team *****-izon Automotive

 

Sorry to shameless thread-jack, but I cannot, in good faith, sit back and allow these "weak-sister" performance "MODs" to be advertised without challenge. The fine, upstanding MINI community deservesd better. BETTER I say!!

Tired of products that promise you the world, only to leave you wanting more? Just installed the latest "killer performance MOD" on the promise of a 2X, 3X or even 5X increase in raw horsepower, only to be dissapointed when the dyno actually ends up showing a DECREASE in horsepower and torque? Fed up with the pimply-faced "ricer" dweebs getting all the "hawt chikz0rz" with their spoilers and wings and LEDs and whatnot?

Well, my friend, here at Spiffityme Performance Modz, we're happy to announce that we finally have created a MOD that not only adds up to 3600+ HP to the Cooper S (no kidding), but also looks so hot and sweet that 4 out of 5 women report getting "all dewey" at the merest sight of it. We're proud to give the most discerning MINI owner their next "must have" MOD!

Introducing: The Jato-Matic 1200 "Turbonizer"!



Each "Turbonizer" is made from genuine decomissioned jet engines purchased under our exclusive contract with the Yakministani Air Force!

Every "Turbonizer" is "guaranteed" to fit your MINI Cooper or MINI Cooper S! *

Every "Turbonizer" comes with an official certificate of authenticity, co-signed by Bernard Xavier Danger, the designer of the Jato-Matic 1200 "Turbonizer" and the Lord Grand Sky Admiral of the Yakministani Combined Defense Forces (practically guaranteed to increase in value)!

Accept no cheap knock-off (read as: KOREAN... ahem!) substitutes! Demand the higest in Black Market East European engineering!!


Actual unauthorized "spotter" photo of the Jato-Matic being tested on Germany's famed Autobahn. This car was clocked at a whopping 273 mph! Then the tires melted off.... Whoa, Nelly!

But don't let photos decide you, friend! I can see you're shrewder than that. Check out this actual unretouched screenshot of the "Turbonizer" performing on the dyno. The blue lines are a standard Cooper S, and the red line is... well, I know we don't have to spell it out for you...



So, DON'T WAIT! PM me to order now! As the only authorized reseller of Spiffityme Performance Modz outside of Yakministan, I am authorized to offer the "Turbonizer" to the next 50 NAM members for the low, low, LOW price of only $699.99 (shipping and handling charge of $3,299.99 not included)!!!

NO!! That wasn't a typo!! 3600+ extra horses for ONLY $4k!!!! We must be INSANE!

Don't wait! Act now! "Turbonize" your boring old MINI now, and never drive home alone on a Saturday night ever again!

* Some fitting may be required for some models - chisels, jackhammers, awls, mallets and sledgehammers not included... We cannot be held responsible for damges caused by improper installation or misuse of this product. Cash, money order or negotiable bearer-bonds ONLY - no checks, credit cards or CODs accepted.

 

On *****-izon Automotive is please to announce the
latest addition to our expert staff. The esteemed proffesor
of Automotive Development Design (ADD), the venerable
Supergimp. He joins our team in the capacity of VP of R$D.
Please send all your innovative ideas directly to SuperGimp,
in order for us to properly implement and market them,
while denying you proper credit and profit.

 

It is with grate interest that I read about your "thingies".

I want to be sure that I don't run out of really bad beer or crack when I am older.

I have some loose change in my denture jar and maybe even some in the couch.

The tax dude told me to invest ....

can I buy stock ?

What is your symbol (or is it like Prince ... and just a funny shape ?)

Please provid a full company repoet and do you give me the money back or do you buy the beer and crack for me ???

 

If you truly believe they deserve better, go drown yourself in your toilet, Matt.

Stop talking about all of the other Vendors here on NAM and address our products, Matt.

ImagoX means "no *********" in spanish. Just thought I'd drop that in there.......

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImagoX

Introducing: The Jato-Matic 1200 "Turbonizer"!

I mean, why not use your real name, Matt? I guess because "ImagoX" sounds better that "Matthew Ira Wojociewski", huh?

Insane? No one's calling you insane. Effeminate, maybe........undersexed - definately.

By the way, we tested your product on our Butt-Dyno and it rated a "1". Camelpilot was able to get his head and both arms in there for the measurement........

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImagoX

Don't wait! Act now! "Turbonize" your boring old MINI now, and never drive home alone on a Saturday night ever again!

Hey Matthew, some of us don't have to worry about driving home alone on a Saturday night. How about not projecting your shortcomings on our customers........

Your product sucks, I would be embarrased to put the *****-izon name on it.

PS Call me for a cool business proposition.

Skip
*****-izon Automotive