Before you start reading, understand this is all in good humor but the sarcasm is thick and the swearing profuse. I just bought some Alta parts and hit a learning curve with a new car. I'll buy more of their stuff, but they could do some work as well...

So I bought this new Cooper S cabrio on Xmas eve. There was a $6000 rebate and I fit in the thing. Two big bonuses at the same time. I traded in my 2010 Titan crew cab, which I had about 8 months after trading in a G37 coupe I never should have bought - not enough room if you're 6'7"

Great, I think, a step up from a rice rocket but easy to work on and I can buy high performance parts for it.

My Alta hot side boost tube, panel filter, accessport and BOV spring came in this week so I decide to go ahead and install everything while I'm working on the new 3000 gallon fish pond and kitchen remodel. That was the start of the day.

I dove in thinking, "hey, I've rebuilt OHC V-12s and have 12 years experience as an automotive engineer, this should be no problem." Besides, the web site says it takes and hour, how bad can it be. Firstly, let me say the Mini lives up to it's English heritage. I thought it was a badge engineered BWM fwd, but no. When you work on a V12, some of the fasteners require at least a 12 hours apiece to remove and acually succeeding is cause for a day of feasting and song. I found this to be the case with a simple silicone tube. The Alta instructions are straight forward. Loosen the hose clamps, locate the TWO bolts holding the intake muffler, and remove the assembly. I located two bolts to hold the intake muffler at the dealer but just like the instructions, that gave me no clue as to how to remove the damn thing. A picture or description would help - also a minor correction that the 2010 Cooper has only ONE bolt that uses a #25 star hex. An hour of fiddling including a very impatient 30 minute Mother's day call and getting a flashlight, I "located" the bolt holding the muffler in place and removed it. This was after 2 hose clamps and and realizing the OE tube was several pieces. At this point I step away and open beer # 1.
The bottom hose clamp - the one that goes to the intercooler was imposible to get a tool on. They obviously installed it on the assembly line before the front bumper went on. It will always be that way, how about noting it's a 7mm bolt? I went through all my 1/4" drive attachments and finally ended up using a 4" long vise grip I bought because I thought it was cute. If I resort to a vise grip, I'm one step away from dousing the car in gas and lighting it on fire. Might as well use a hammer to apply window caulk.
Got the boost tube on and put the hose clamps in places where people can get to them without pulling the engine. Alta supplied hose clamps, BTW, have an 8mm hex. Open celebratory beer #2 in preparation for the BOV spring. The directions AGAIN, are very straight forward, "remove 3 screws and be careful, they have loctite."
Guess what? English cars made before 1990 do not have star hex fasteners and even though I bought a nice set of T-handle ones plus a folding set, they were absolute crap for doing this job. I had to resort to a cheap set of bits I keep in the "mixed driver sets" drawer. After removing THREE bolts and discovering a FOURTH, I dropped the cheap bit into the bowels of the car, which is about right for a real English vehicle. They eat commonly used, essential tools during the repair process. On the loss of the bit, I know the BOV spring is not happening and the celebratory beer has long since turned to a pain killer for my headache. I put the three loose screws back using my T-handle (after removing the coolant resevoir) and go back to testing the pond waterfall.

Still no consultation or contact from Alta on maps to go with my accessport.

 

 

 

 

Bought a decent bit set. Even paid $3 extra for the tamper proof ones. Can probably tackle the BOV on Tuesday.
Chris from Alta cleared up the missing map issue as well. Those boys really need to work on their installation instructions.

 

Most companies do. You should have seen the instructions for the short shifter.

You'd think if you're spending hundreds of dollars on parts they could at least afford to use color ink. Oh well.

 

Man, this crap just keeps on flowing in a slow, brown river. The accessport was bad. Customer service wasn't. I usually offer my customers a replacement on my company's dime while I fix the problem unit. I get to pay return shipping apparently and continue waiting...

 

sorry to hear

 

Sorry to hear about your adventures. I have to say I have been down this road myself. Thank goodness you have a good sense of humor.

Why do you have to for a return shipping on something that is bad from the vendor. Vendors that I have dealt with will always cover return shipping on a defective part!