So my battery is pulling a whopping 0.5 amps of power while all doors are closed an locked with the power off and all lights off... I then put an ammeter in series with each fuse and found that F21 is pulling 220 mA in the same state and f24 is pulling 50 mA. These are in the driver-side pedal area

I then checked the engine fuses and found that both headlights are pulling 30 mA while off...

I quick reference
http://www.murmini.com/pages/electrical tells me that f21 = control module for instrument cluster, f24 = electronic immobilizer unit, and FL8 and FL12 (the headlights) are fed from a single 100 A fuse directly from the battery. My questions are this:

1. Why is the instrument control cluster (whatever that is) drawing SO much power when the engine is off

2. Why are my headlights draining so much power as well(engine still off)?

PS, when i close the circuit at F21, I hear a short hum for a few seconds. I think it is the gas pump pressurizing the system, but F21 is for the ICU, not the pump. What could that be?

 

when doing a draw test on a MINI or a BMW you have to hook the meter up and then not touch ANYTHING and wait 16 minutes for the modules to go to "sleep" meaning shut down completely. Then you can diag a draw. But when pulling fuses you may "wake" up a module and have to wait another 16 min before continuing.

 

There are over 40 fuses... that would take all day.... Is there a way to know what ones are safe to "hot plug" and ones that are not?

And that shouldn't be the case for the headlights right?

If it isn't parasitic power, i'm not sure what the issue can be. I haven't measured the actual amperage from the alternator, but it puts out a consistent ~14 volts and the jitter is negligible. The voltage regulator and rectifier are both fine... I even have a volt gauge in my car and the alternator is consistent with the 14 volts...

The battery is slightly over 2 years old and can be fully charged without issue. I am at a loss as to how to find the problem...

FYI, after a FULL charge (0%-100%), I am able to start and stop the car about 6-8 times (with ~10-20 miles between start and stop) until there isn't enough power to start again. Each time is a little slower to start, but I am barely able to crank it over... Can anyone give me some advice. I don't want to kill my battery by depleting it and charging it again and again....

 

Have the battery checked.
It's free and easy.

Or....
With car off, put a voltmeter across terminals, turn headlights on.
Battery should hold 12 volts for quite a while.
Just because it takes a charge doesn't mean its good.

 

Your battery might be fine, but to way's point, make sure you account for the modules going into sleep mode. Try this:
Hook an amp meter in series with the battery and the positive cable.
Shut all the doors and lock the car (keep the hood open)
After 15 min look at current draw and take note (if the current is very low at this time, then your battery is probably the culprit).
Pull each fuse one at a time while watching the amp meter.
When you pull a fuse that causes it to stop significantly, you've found the circuit in question.
Make sure you don't re-install any of the fuses until you've found "the one." This will make the job go much faster without waking up any modules.