Our 2005 Mini Cooper is rarely driven. I had the battery out for about two months, on a trickle charger. Just put the battery back in, now there are no dash lights, not even a click from the starter. There was one dash light at first - an icon something like a seatbelt reminder - but now not even that. Removed the battery again, checked it again, then re-installed it. There is no spark when I connect the leads. I have checked all the fuses. There are other items in the under the hood fuse box besides the blade fuses and the relays that I can't identify. Any ideas why the car is totally dead ?

 

Sounds like the battery is dead

 

Yes, check the voltage of the battery - it should be 12.2V or better - it may not be holding any charge.
& I'd check the battery & ground connections for corrosion, they should be clean, bright & tight.