2007 Cooper S. Running fine with the exception of timing chain clatter. Full of oil. Stopped and went to start after about one hour. Car won't churn over. Starter begins to heat up. Oil dip stick won't pull out more than 3". What's up?

 

Timing chain chatter....
Stuck dipstick....
Will not make butter...(lol)
starter motor just buzzez and gets hot, but no crank/turning over is what you are saying?
Sounds pretty serious...a bit of a bump here for ya....i know 1 gen, but 2nd is not my forte, good luck!!

 

Try the R56 forum...

 

When I saw the OP I knew it was inevitable someone would mention butter

Speaking of funny posts, did anyone ever hear more from the Mini of Antartica customer?

 

As I recall, a stuck dipstick is the main symptom when the all the plastic guide rails (around which the timing chain runs) fail.

You may have pushed your luck too far with the timing chain rattle; as expensive as it can be to repair outside of warranty, it's usually best to get the 'rattle' addressed ASAP, or things like this tend to happen...