I have a 2004 mini cooper s with about 40,000 miles and i havent used it in about a month and today i took it out. now theres a GIANT puddle of awkward black fluid. its not motor oil. what could it be?

 

If it is on the right side of your car (passanger side) than I'd bet that your upper engine mount has leaked out. If you look under the hood, there will probably be residual oil on the upper frame horn. If thats the case, its not the end of the world. You can get it replaced on your own time