I wish!!! Start is a little too far away from me this year... Welcome!

 

Have we all gone comatose???

 

I'm trying to get the courage to come out. Other wise I'm still around.

 

Comatose, or maybe in hibernation. I agree, it's been a long time since we saw much action on our section of the forums. Due to financial necessity I had to sell Dr. P early this spring, and his replacement isn't in the cards in the near future. I still drool whenever I see a new Roadster with the top down, and am hoping to find a way to get one before I'm too old to enjoy it.

 

WOW, that's a bummer! Sorry to hear that.

Better Days ahead, though...

 

EB:

Are you doing OK or is Stuff still a struggle for you? Anyway, I hope things are coming together..

 

Well I'm an old man now But I was lucky enough to be forced out when I was 16. My best- friend and first love's mother decided to share her opinions with my mother. So I had to come out. It was scary, i was literally sick to my stomach...but in the end it was the best thing I have ever done. I have been out ever since - Once you come out...you are always coming out. There's always someone asking if you have a wife or girlfriend. Its kind of fun to see the shock on their faces when you explain - no but let me introduce you to my boyfriend/husband.

Only you can decide when it is right for you to come out. But if you need anyone to talk to or if its helpful to hear experiences - I am certain that everyone here including myself would be more than willing to lend an ear. Let us know if we can help.

Paul

 

I'm doing Okay. Just had a bit of a sad event where a friend whom i'm REALLY REALLY close (wish we were actually dating close) announced he's moving across country to be with his boyfriend. Long story but basically Hit me hard, but I'm doing my best to be happy for him and find someone of my own. Still kinda sorta think of him as 'one that got away' but I really need to stop that. This inspired me to just want to put myself out there, stop holding back, still lacking confidence to go through with it though. I'd really like to and start with my family first of all, but holidays may or may not be the best time of year i'm thinking. So maybe early next year. Less you folks have a better thought? Feel free to take this Private messages if you think its getting a bit too heavy for a forum.

 

Since there's not been much activity around here lately, I don't think anyone will strenuously object to a bit more discussion. Most of us have been in your shoes and can relate. My personal 2-cents' worth: For most families, holidays are high-stress events where there is a lot of pressure for everything to be just right, with too much to do, too much to eat, and too many people to see, all in not enough time. All of which is supposed to be conducted in a happy, "holiday spirit" manner. Not at all a good environment for a supportive coming-out. I'm sure that others here will have more to add, but in the mean time let me point you to some on-line resources that may help:

http://www.thetrevorproject.org/section/YOU

http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/support-center

http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/resource-guide-to-coming-out


http://amplifyyourvoice.org/youthres...urce-comingout

http://community.pflag.org/getsupport

We all wish you well - keep us posted!

 

Yeah. Exactly what I was thinking. I'll give it another month or two . thank you very much!

 

I have worked as a therapist, helped a number of folks with the coming out process, and there really isn't much advice that matters, other than to listen to your own heart. I've never encountered a person with a situation that was improved by rushing into disclosure, so wait until you feel comfortable with the process. Most folks find that their fears were much worse than the reality of coming out (my own included), and lots of our friends already know (or at least suspect), so most likely it's not going to be all that big of a deal. The biggest achievement of this process is to be comfortable with yourself, however you choose to proceed. It's great to wake up in the morning and realize that there's no longer anything to worry about... it's over. Of course, it's an ongoing process, and it's not like flipping a light switch (unless you take out a full page ad in the newspaper ), but it's up to you where and when (and if) you choose to share your information.

Feel free to PM if you want. Life is a team sport, and we're all in this together, and we all are here to help each other.

 

Excellent Points!

I would also add:

Be careful about letting the time slide too much. Sometimes the longer it goes, the difficulty factor increases. Also, since the discussion won't be happening for a few weeks, there is time to consider what you want to say and who you want to say it to. I don't mean that it is necessary to script anything, but I think it is important to try to convey how you feel as accurately as possible. Staying in the closet can burn up a lot of energy in remembering what you told to whom and keeping stories straight, etc. I think for many people the burden of trying to live 2 lives just becomes too much and that's what they are trying to aleviate.

From school days, you might remember a well structured test is one that puts a few easier questions at the beginning in order to get people in the mood and reduce some of the nervousness. What you might do is think about who would be likely to have a positive response and talk to them first. That can help to deflate some of the fear and apprehension.

Also, it is common for parents to feel that they must have done something wrong. However, that is just NOT the case. They can't make you heterosexual and they can't make you gay.

Anyway, there is a lot of good information that resides within The Tribe. MANY people have gone through the same situation. While it may be painful for a while, it passes...

 

Thinking back on it, something that really helped me was finding a support group. I lived in what I believed was a very homophobic part of the country, and worked in a pretty straight environment. I heard about a group of gay folks who met at a local bar once a week. It took me a few weeks to muster up enough courage to go in (yeah, I was a big chicken). Sure didn't see anybody who 'looked' gay. Ordered some food and a drink and eventually asked a guy sitting next to me if there was a 'mens group' that met here. He laughed, scared the crap out of me, said 'welcome home' and gave me a big smile and a hug. Turned out he was a member of a local MCCC and the pastor was coming by that night, too. I'm not now, and never have been, much into organized religion, but at that time, it was hard not to believe in divine intervention.

Supportive friends can be a huge help in this process, and I encourage you, and anybody else in the process, to find your own support group.

 

update: came out to parents, it went great! My dad said he knew for years and not to worry about it. My mom kinda suspected after i was so passionately upset about chick-fil-a's drama a few years ago. They just want me to be happy. Couldn't have gone better!

 

Congratulations!

 

Congratulations to you and great to hear the outcome was positive and supportive.

Breathe deep. Smile. Enjoy the lightened burden...and go for a victory drive! :-)

 

eb:

Very happy for you! This is a major step forward and it feels a lot better when you don't have to tote all that baggage.

Best Of Luck to you!

 

Hello Out There!

I don't know who is still around, but maybe this will shake the tree a bit and we'll see what falls out...

A lot has happened in the last year and a half. Unfortunately not all of it has been good. Among the good things, making Marriage Equality the law of the land was a BIGGIE; no doubt. Folks have been working on that since the 70's and I'm sure that many thought it would never happen; yet, it did. Hats off to those who just wouldn't give up and it's a reminder that it truly is a journey.

For me, the last 2 1/2 years have also been a journey, but the roots go back further than that. In 1990, at the age of 42, I finally began to consider my take on sexuality. Over the years I had suppressed a lot of confused feelings and it was just time to actually figure out what it meant to me. Several years later I finally realized that my attraction to men was likely quite real, but also I needed to find out for sure. The proof came in '97 when a friend and I spent several intimate days and nights in Key West. I was fine with that, but a few years later, circumstances showed me that I was still attracted to women. Anyway, the identity of bisexual felt pretty close to what I was feeling.

All this was to change in October of '03. I was dating the woman who would eventually become my 2nd wife. A nearby college was running the Rocky Horror movie Halloween night and you could get in for free if you crossdressed. My friend asked if I wanted to do this and I said Yes with little resistance. When my 1st and I separated, for some reason she left a dress, a tired wig, shoes and a small purse. That was enough to start. So, we dressed, got into the movie for free and afterwards went to the local gay bar for a while. It was all great fun and I didn't really have any negative concerns.

For one reason and another, it would be just after New Year's 2014 when I went out dressed again. In the interim I underdressed with panties or a girdle and sometimes stockings or pantyhose. It got to the point where it just felt very comfortable to do that. In 2014 we vacationed in Palm Springs. In preparation, I found a semi-retired makeup professional who taught me a lot about proper techniques, etc. One night we went to a drag show at a local bar and I was quite pleased with how I looked; not quite 100%, but infinitely better than the first time.

Towards the end of that year, I found 2 groups to hang out with that were not close to my home. One was 99 miles away and the other 50. My wardrobe continued to grow and I was pleased with how my presentation was working out. However, after several months something occurred to me. While I had never felt that I was in the wrong body, it did seem that the definition of crossdresser didn't quite apply.

Thinking specifically of my childhood and later, I remembered some interesting bits. I had always been more comfortable around girls and women than men and boys. This only began to change about 15 years ago. Mentally, I seemed to be a sponge for all things related to femininity, but it was unconscious. I knew about various aspects of women's clothing design; not only to identify them, but also the effect that they were intended to create. For example, a cowl neck worked to disguise the fact that the wearer was relatively flat-chested. I never sat down to learn these things. I saw them once or twice in magazines or TV and it just stuck.

I've always been very intuitive about problem solving and also about relationships. That's probably something very odd to hear coming from someone with a degree in mechanical engineering, but for me logic works in support of intuition and not the other way around. I'm fully capable of applying logic, but that's not my default.

Although I've been fairly successful at hiding my emotions, underneath I am quite emotional. If I'm not careful, I tear up in a moment over movies or something particularly moving that I've read.

In the time that I have been dressing, the shame and guilt that others regularly feel has been at a minimum for me. For some, those feelings last months and even years. For me, I would measure them in minutes; probably single digit minutes at that.

I gave my alter-ego the name of DeeAnn. When I dress, I don't become a different person. If you knew DeeAnn or Don well, it would be clear that the difference between them was minimal. Don is a bit quieter and DeeAnn smiles a bit more. It's those kind of differences and not anything fundamental.

I don't know of a way to quantify my personality other than just a guess. If I had to take a stab at it, I would say about 70%/30%, male/female. At least, that's how it feels to me.

Before I retired this year, I was a member of our LGBT employee affinity group for 12 years. We did an annual event every October where we brought in a comedian from the community. We've had Susanne Westenhoeffer (2x), Alec Mapa (reoccurring role on Ugly Betty), Marga Gomez and The Calamari Sisters (a regional duo). Last October we had our first Transgender performer, Ian Harvie, who as made appearances on TRANSPARENT. I volunteered to be the Mistress of Ceremonies as DeeAnn. Between that event and 2 presentations later in the month, I outted myself to 200+ people, including my daughter, son, several close friends and my then department manager. Fortunately there is no pressing need for me to transition and I'm not planning to do so. Evidently the time spent as DeeAnn is enough to keep things in balance.

The attached photo is me with Ian Harvie (he's the one with the beard!).

So, if this document is helpful to someone or is a conversation starter or just a reminder that you're not by yourself, that's a good thing!

 

Wonderful story, and thanks for sharing. I think you're done a beautiful job of illustrating how some of us don't fall on one end of the spectrum or the other, but rather our sexuality is somewhere on a continuum and can be flexible, moving from time to time and depending on circumstance.

It must easier for folks who identify at the extreme ends... but I can only imagine what that might be like. For those of us somewhere in the middle we have a few more challenges. For me, from a very early age I craved intimacy from other boys. In retrospect I think I used sexual experimentation to try to find the love of a brother (which I never had), but I also enjoyed the physical closeness, and came to realize that sexual experimentation, and eventually sexual intimacy with both sexes was enjoyable.

Life is a wonderful and sometimes challenging journey, different for each of us. It's a gift that we can celebrate each other's path. Congratulations on discovering yours.

 

Thanks!

The odd thing is I think that coming to grips with my sexuality eventually made it easier to accept my gender identity. Sort of an unexpected bonus.

I wouldn't necessarily say easier, but perhaps more straightforward.

Unfortunately society continually reminds us that there must be something wrong with us, but that just isn't the case.

That's a good point. It is different for each of us. That's one of the reasons that I rarely give advice. I'll remind people of what they already know or throw out some things to think about, but I tend not to say "Do this" or Do that". Everyone has to find their own truth.

 

The Saga Continues...

I’ve been a resident of the Coachella Valley for 2 years at the beginning of this month. A lot has happened. I am a board member and treasurer for our local transgender group and also the digital media coordinator for our local HRC chapter. I’m busy enough to the point that this almost seems like working!?!?

My involvements reflect 2 things. I missed the work and camaraderie of our LGBT employee affinity group when I was working, so doing volunteer work is a natural extension. The other is that I have 2 granddaughters. Given all of the positive things that have happened in this decade and all of the negative things brought by the current administration in the White House in the past year, this is not the world that I want to leave behind for my granchildren. Too much has happened and too many people have sacrificed a great deal in the effort to move us along toward enlightenment.

WE MUST NOT SQUANDER THOSE SACRIFICES!!

 

keep on keeping on!

 

Exactly.

 

Any QOC members going ? I'll be there!

 

You’re still here!?!? I had given you up for MIA.

I see that you have gone over to the Dark Side (FCA). May The Farce be with you...