Oh, perhaps I should mention that my DADDY is competing in his own class of chili. Oh, and should I bother informing you all that he's a trained chef and the single best cook I've ever met???? hmmmmm.

Who needs to put up their dukes, when my Daddy can kick all your booty's!!!!

(teehee --- this is WAY too much fun --- I'm sure its really illegal )

Hugs,
PB

 

While I will be unable to attend the Dragon and so the chili contest, I thought this might bring a sense of the Texas Style Chili Contest Judging.


Texas Chili Contest

Note: Please take the time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Dave, who was visiting from Tiadagton, PA.

Jerry: Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Texas Chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting so I accepted.

Here are the score cards from the event; (Jerry is judge # 3)

Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

Judge #1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3: (Jerry) Holy sh--t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the !#*@ flames out. I hope thats the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili

Judge #1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken serieoulsy.
Judge #3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2: A bean-less chili, a bit slaty, a good use of peppers.
Judge ##: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Draino. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh**t faced from all the beer.

Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic

Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tounge, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 - Meaty very strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding conciderable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 - Chili used shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestnt seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tounge from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili #6 - Pam's Very Vegitarian Variety..

Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegitarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh**t myself when I farted amd I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. I can't feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my a** with a snow cone.

Chili #7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Hudge #2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He is cursing a lot and appears to be in distress.
Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it is to painful. Screw-it; I 'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili
Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he is going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?


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